I am officially looking for a job, but not very aggressively. I will occasionally go to a job search engine and look, sometimes more willingly than others. I’ve seen some things that I think would be a good fit, but most jobs have been a little too far away or a little bit too much of a stretch from my experience.
Last week I saw a job that I thought, “hey, I can do that!” and so I started filling out an application on a spontaneous whim. I got to the second phase of the application process before it really registered that I was applying for a full time position when I would really like to work part time, so I just hit cancel and went about my day.
On Thursday I was writing my friend one of my typical long and rambling emails. In it I wrote that I was starting to feel a tiny bit panicky that there weren’t many jobs available. I suppose I had foolishly thought that when the time came that I would want to go back to work there would be open and available positions that I could pick and choose from.
Fifteen minutes after I sent the email I got a phone call.
“Hello, may I speak to Jennifer?”
“This is she,”
“I am calling about an application you submitted online? We’d like for you to come in for an interview. Would tomorrow work?”
My mind started spinning and tripping over itself. Application? Online? But . . . that was the only application, and I didn’t even submit it. How. . . What . . .?
“Oh! Okay, um, yes I suppose tomorrow would be fine,” and I found myself setting up an interview and getting directions all while being slightly dumbfounded. I immediately called my husband, talking a little too fast and my thoughts being strewn too far around to make much sense.
All that night I wondered, was this a sign? I mean, I had CANCELLED my application and yet the system had still received it. Seriously though, that’s probably just how the system works, not so much divine intervention. But what if it was? I argued back and forth with myself. I often find myself looking for signs and then wondering if I am creating my own.
So the next morning found me trying to get ready all while taking care of two young children, hurriedly straightening my hair, applying makeup, putting on my professional clothes that haven’t been on my skin in three years. Jeff came home so I could go to the interview and admired the way I looked, I probably looked like a completely different person. I sort of FELT like a different person, competent in a way that I had missed. Nervous and excited I went to the interview, not knowing if I was thrilled at the chance of working again, or scared of the thought of not being able to stay home with my kids anymore.
Three days later here I am, still feeling torn between the two feelings. I’m not sure how the interview went. I think they liked me and I immediately found myself trying to sell myself to them, but I don’t have a lot of experience in that particular field and there was a glitch in the system that showed that I was still working and they seemed a tiny displeased that I’ve been out of work for two and a half years. I don’t know if I’ll get a call. Part of me hopes that I don’t. More than half of me hopes that I don’t. I just can’t stomach the thought that maybe my last full weeks with the children were spent not even knowing they were the last.
Yet, part of me will feel like I have failed if I don’t get offered the job. Rejection is always a sour feeling, I suppose, even if it is hoped for.