Wednesday, June 18, 2008


My sister’s neighbor just recently found out she is pregnant. She has a baby that is just over three months old.

I am usually so YAY BABY about everything, but this was just so surprising. Mostly because James is only eight months old and I imagined being in her shoes. If I had gotten pregnant in the same timeframe that she had then I would be five months pregnant right now. I tried to think of it and . . . my mind melted. Not capable of those sort of thoughts.

Then I must have some sympathy-pregnant-type feelings because the last few days I just felt so strange. Nauseated, not outright barfing, but just always feeling unsettled. Especially tired. A floating through a fog feeling. “Pregnant,” I said to myself. However, I have an IUD. Which is 99.9% effective. Which is more effective than tubal litigation. Still, the internet says it is possible to still get pregnant, though very dangerous to the embryo, usually ending in miscarriage.

I let my thoughts run off on the crazy track like I often do and so I went to ye olde dollar store to buy a pregnancy test. How horrible it would be if I were to be pregnant. With two young kids, no money, living in a trailer for goodness sake! I would have to get my IUD removed and I have no health insurance for another couple of weeks. It is just such a bad time to even contemplate the idea. And yet, I found myself oddly hopeful as I waited for the results.

One line.

I know, I KNOW, that it is the wrong time for another baby. What is wrong with me to always want MORE babies? Why do I feel just a little disappointed?

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